The Crash

For those of you who don't know, I was in a pretty serious car accident yesterday. Here's what happened.

I was driving southbound on highway 101. In between Arroyo Grande and Nipomo. I was in the fast lane, driving 65mph. There was a California Department of Transportation truck in the slow lane, with a sign reading, "CAUTION. SHOULDER WORK AHEAD." Just when I saw the truck, it merged into my lane and then pulled over into the median, turned around and began heading northbound. "Hmm," I thought. "Must be headed somewhere to post that sign." At that section of the 101, the road dips into a bit of a valley and turns left, so you can't see cars that are more than 1/4 mile ahead of you. I, stupidly, reached down to grab something for work off of the passenger floorboard and when I looked up (2 seconds later) there was a car in front of me. I didn't even have time to hit my brakes. I slammed into the back of a Hyundai Santa Fe which was stopped because of some road construction ahead of it. My car, a Toyota Yaris, which is the size of a thimble, was thrown up onto the median where it came to a stop. Luckily, the median was a hillside. Had it not have been, I would have been pushed into oncoming traffic.

I crawled out the passenger side door, because my door wouldn't open, and walked over to make sure the person I hit was okay. The woman in the Santa Fe met me halfway and we both made sure the other person was fine. Her car looked pretty good all things considered. The back end was a bit jacked up, so they towed it to a repair shop. My car, however, is totalled. The entire front end is basically gone. But I will say this, the car did what it was designed to do. The airbags deployed and the front end took the energy of the impact. Everything from the doors back looks immaculate. It's crazy. Even the dashboard is fine. Nothing inside the car was damaged at all. Just the front end. Still though, the car is a total loss. I think the frame was bent and once the claims adjuster got to $16,000 she just stopped counting and told me that they'd send me a check for what the car is selling for new.

The interesting thing is that just minutes after my accident, there was a five car collision on the northbound lane just one mile south of me. That accident was caused by the same roadwork they were doing on my side, which there were no signs for. That stretch of highway is especially dangerous and notorious for accidents, but then without proper signage, drivers just weren't prepared for cars to be stopped in front of them. That accident was much worse than mine, although I don't think there were any fatalities, thank God. I'm not trying to remove fault from myself. But still, CalTrans should have had some signs posted or something.

In any case, I walked away from a serious accident without a scratch on me. I'm not even sore. The little Yaris did great, and I obviously got some help from the Lord on this one. I'd never been in an accident before, so I thought I'd just go big on my first one. I mean, the Yaris might not have been built like a tank, but I am. I'm not really surprised that I walked away unharmed. I'm sure none of you are surprised either. Actually, with the size of the Yaris, I probably could have just tucked it under my arm and walked away from the crash site, but I thought it was wiser just to wait for the police.

Here are a few photos

-Trav

The Man in the Mirror

I need to clarify the last few posts I've written. Just in case some of you think I'm ready to jump off a bridge.

Have you ever felt disconnected from the world around you? Like you are just going through the motions? For me, it's been a slow progression towards apathy for the past few years. I've given up on a few dreams that I shouldn't have given up on. I've told myself that I'm making the right decision, done what's best for my family, etc. The dreams weren't right for me, but that's not the point. The point is that I gave up. I've been far too logical with my dreams.

That's only part of it. The other part is that I've become hard hearted, to use a biblical word. As you get hurt, the natural tendency is to put up walls to protect yourself. There's just one problem. Building walls around your heart is like fabricating a dam in a river. Everything below the dam gets the life choked out of it. Eventually, you become numb. Which I suppose is the point. These days, I tend to believe that's a short term gain, long term loss. I believe that we have to maintain the willingness to be vulnerable. Even if it means we'll get hurt.

This all sounds very dramatic, and maybe it is. But I just needed to write some stuff for my own sake. Sorry if it was cryptic and depressing. I think I'm starting to feel again, which is nice. I hope I get some of my passions back. In the meantime, it's nice to at least have some feeling back in the extremities.

-Trav

Happy 4th....

my carpeted heart

the carpeted hallways feel transient. it's as if someone was planning for hard times and heavy footprints and foolishly thought that the best solution would be that after the trampling, the carpet could just be ripped up and replaced. "I prefer hardwood floors," I say to myself as i walk the hallways, with one hand dragging along the wall. "They can take a beating, but they show character." Carpet is the easy way. Cheap, durable and easily replaceable. People walk over you all day, but it doesn't matter what they leave behind, because you know that it will be replaced. If the plan all along is replacement, then they might as well tread heavily, because it just doesn't matter.

i walk through the double doors. you know, the ones with the small plastic windows on each door. everything about this place is transitory, just like the folks within the walls. Everyone is coming or going. Everyone enters through the same doors, but what happens inside the walls will determine from which door they leave.

there are doors on either side of me. people pass me by on either side, but do not make eye contact. it's wrong to look inside the open doors, but everyone does it. much like looking inside lit windows after sundown. i look inside one door to find my family gathered around a bedside. they stare down at the man in the bed who's eyes are closed and who's skin has gone gray. Everyone seems concerned. they are taking turns telling the man that they love him, that they want him to wake up, that they need him to wake up. There are statements of longing and remorse. I walk right up to the bed, but no one notices me. I listen to their pleas and wait for the man to respond. Surely he should. But he doesn't. He just lies there cold and gray.

I reach out and touch his hand. His eyes open and we come alive....

-trav

you can lead a horse to water,

unless it wants to die of thirst.

My defense mechanism has been an amputation of the heart. I shut down, put up walls...become numb. I've used it on just about everyone I know, including you, if you hurt me. It's not healthy, but it's effective. After all, how can you hurt me if I don't feel?

Sometimes Jenn will talk about the "old Travis." Usually a phrase like that is meant to depict the vile, misrepresentation of the true self. When Jenn says it, it's a statement of longing. I've been numb for a long time,

but times are 'a changing...

Victory

I have been rocked this week. Brought to tears...humbled...kicked while down...I really needed some encouragement. Besides my friend Ryan leading worship at church today, I saw this video on my pal Tony's blog. I feel better.




J

Happy Father's Day

Terrified

It is 1 a.m. and I am still awake. My mind is racing.

I hate the dark. I hate what it brings to me. Not only sleeplessness, but fear.

Wednesday was a really hard day in my heart. I tried to pass it off as nothing, but as I lay in bed tonight, I realized just how hard it was. Details are private, and really only because I want to spare myself the harsh debates in the comment section that would undoubtedly come if I told you the whole story.

But what really gets to me is that I feel like Satan is laughing. It is almost like I can here the deep giggle. It haunts me sometimes and tonight is one of the worst. I want to turn on the television and drown it out, but I know what the Lord really wants is for me to talk to Him about it. It has been years of these sleepless nights. Years of nights where I try to solve my problems, his problems, their problems....

They never get solved.

When will I learn.

I want to take his giggle and shove it where the sun don't shine...

I want to tell him, I know what I did was right. God is in control. He will work things out for the good. He always does right?

Do I even believe that?

Obviously not with my whole heart or I wouldn't be up writing on this blog.

I would be sound asleep, resting in the peace that passes all understanding.

Darkness....I really do hate it.

Falling

I fell in love here.

and here...

and here....

and I want to continue to fall.

-j

London's 2nd Birthday

London has given us more joy than any other thing on this blessed Earth. He is sweet and feisty, caring and impatient, intelligent and completely oblivious. He has revealed some things in Jenn and I that we don't particularly like being revealed, such as our own impatience, but London has been the perfect addition to our family. People say that kids grow up fast, and there's a reason why they say it. Because it's true. Two years have passed since the day our little boy joined us, and we just cannot believe it. We are trying to cherish these moments the best that parents can. When I get home from work, his little laugh absolutely makes my day. I know that as soon as I walk through the door, I will be greeted by a, "Daddy wath (watch)." And I know that I have an evening of fire trucks and tractors to look forward to.

For London's second birthday, we took him, both sets of parents, and our good friend Jamie to Disneyland. London had a blast. We rode every train in the park, took a stroll down ToonTown and got a hug from Winnie the Pooh. And as you'll see in the video, London got a special present for his birthday from some people who love him very much. Enjoy.

Question of the Day

A few weeks ago, I asked a question about Cynicism that garnered some amazing responses. Now I've got another for you. No pressure, but your answer just might tell me everything I need to know about you as a person.

What do you carry in your pockets?

-Trav