There are a few unwritten laws regarding the use of the men's restroom that have been with us since the sixth day. Or at least since someone decided it would be a good idea for a bunch of men to do their business in the same room, which is probably the same guy who invented Peeps.
(This post was suggested by Simon Pollard, whose insight into the subject would have been invaluable...if I had bothered to contact him)
Allow me to address some of the rules of the men's restroom, in as much as I understand them. Please know that this is not a complete list. Only those though of while gathering prayer requests at work.
1. Never choose a urinal who's neighbor is occupied on either side. A one urinal buffer is required at minimum. If an open urinal isn't available....wait longer. If there are "walls" on either side of your urinal, you can eliminate the one buffer rule, but only if you've already wet yourself. Even then...use discretion.
1b. In a multi-urinal situation, always choose the urinal furthest away from the nearest male.
1b, section 2. If the only available urinal is one built for a third grader, wait. Unless you've already lost all dignity.
2. Never talk to another man within the four walls of the restroom. This is an obvious faux pau, and one that will not be tolerated by another man "in the know." If you meet Simon at the urinal and engage him in conversation, know this...he will look at you. He cannot speak without eye contact. At best, this is distracting and the obvious reason for rule #2.
3. If you are in the stall, and another man enters the restroom, you are required to cough, sneeze, flush, make noise with your feet....anything that let's him know that you are there and you mean no harm.
4. If another man enters the room just as you've finished at the urinal, are you required to wash your hands if you had no intention of doing so when you were alone? I'm aware of no law regarding this issue, but in most cases, I will wash my hands to avoid further conflict.
5. If you attend CalvarySLO, just do us a favor and don't use the urinals. The door opens the wrong way and everyone in the courtyard can see you. Unless you use the urinal in the corner that was built for a third grader, in which case you've violated rule #1b, section 2 and are now a vigilante.
6. If you are are a contractor, designer, architect, etc., please do not place restrooms right next to the kitchen. This should go without saying, but you'd be surprised at how many homes I've been in that spawned the most awkward situations I've ever encountered. Oh, if there are any representatives from bathroom fan companies that read this blog, a word of advice. Make your fans louder, not more quiet. Thank you...hugs and kisses.
7. Everyone knows to use your shoe...not your hand to lift the lid in a stall, right? If not, you're disgusting.
There are a few rules that I intentionally left out due to the fact that this is a public blog with female readers. The rules that I've left unspoken should be widely known, and now I only ask that you abide by them. Please keep your comments clean.
-Trav
Monday, October 15, 2007
Rules for the Men's Restroom
Posted by The Avilas at 11:39 AM
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14 comments:
As a female goer of Calvary SLO, I firmly and emphatically agree with rule #5. Please, please, please abide by this rule if you can only follow one!
Jenn
Wow.
Travis- I've never officially met you, but your last posts on socially awkward situations have had me laughing out loud. I never thought about "urinal rules" before...what an enlightening post for your female readers.
:)Wendy
Trav you forgot about the "trough urinal". They are very rare nowadays, but can still be found, particularly hiding in dodgy corners of European cities. These are hideous creatures, spawned from the depths of depraved minds, and an endangered species which should be completely killed off. Rules? I vote for, "immediately turn on your heels and walk out".
it's a good list. you left out that if it's possible to flush with your shoe, to do so. in fact, anything should be done with your shoe.
when on even keel, it may be okay to engage in brief conversation, for example walking in at the same time or washing hands. by brief, i mean like a head nod or a what's up, neither one making eye contact with the other. however, if at anytime one or both parties are engaged at the urinal, all conversations must come to an abrupt end.
i usually break this rule if i enter a restroom and someone is at a urinal by shouting, "let's pee."
one question: why is it a "rule" to be silent in the men's room, but totally fine to brag about your poop when outside of the bathoom walls? or is that just my husband that does?
by the way, you're funny.
For further reading on this topic I would suggest
http://mensroombible.blogspot.com/
You can never have too much etiquette.
i'm glad i'm a girl, there's too much thinking involved going to the bathroom when you're a guy...whew!
yeah, so maybe you could forward this to senator craig, cause apparently he didn't get the memo.
Holls,
He actually wrote this post...but in retrospect.
Let me start by saying that at my place of employment we have a communal bathroom...ie:it's used by several companies on the same floor. I would estimate that there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 115 males currently employed on my floor...we are limited to 2 urinals, and 2 'water-closets'...let us consider: 8 hours in the average work day, minus 1 for lunch (every one knows to 'go' on the clock), leaves 7 hours of available time for business (you know what I mean). I would say that on average the typical male takes about 2 leaks a day and maybe 1 deuce. Lets say the average leak including all zipping, buttoning, shaking, tucking, etc...takes on the average of 90 seconds, that would mean the daily total urination time approaches 345 minutes (WOW), or 5.75 hours. That leaves a meager 75 minute buffer to space out the business of 115 odd males...assuming all averages remain consistent on our sample day that leaves every person on the floor a 40 second window in which to conduct their business without fear of interference from another party...the implications of this are obvious, no solo peepee...so, we've had to adapt-I might argue we have reached a higher level of social evolution, we can pee and talk (of course we stare intensely at the wall), some can even talk on their cell phones to god-knows-who during all sorts of restroom business...the real question is what comes next...I ask myself every day...what comes next?
yeah, he wrote it... i don't know if you heard the line he gave matt lauer- i mean really. really. who picks up toilet paper off the floor in the mens restroom- any restroom for that matter. the guy needs to get out of denial!!
WOW! If i walk into a rest room, and the only available urinal puts me smack dab in the middle of two dudes already urinating... big whoop. If they feel uncomfortable then obviously they (and most of you) have your own privacy issues (and possibly homophobia issues) to deal with. Get over it...
And further more if i have to drop a deuce in a coed single-occupancy restroom in a crowded resturant i really don't get worked up about stinking the room up either. I'll admit at one time in my life i may have, but alas i got over it.
Jason - Settle down homeboy. This blog is based on sarcasm and hyperbole. If THIS post offended you, just keep reading. It gets worse before it gets better.
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